This is the story of my life

2010-09-23T22:30:00.000-07:00

Proof that I am responsible:

Like three or four weeks ago I made the comment to my history professor that I didn't see how cheating on a paper would be worth it, because given the kinds of classes I take, it would take me longer to find a paper to copy than to just do it myself. And also, I'm way too honest. She told me there are paper writing services that will write your paper for you from scratch. Yeah. You must believe someone is honest and responsible to tell them how to cheat effectively and have faith they won't do it.

She's right. I won't. I'll stay up all night the day before a paper is due writing it instead of paying somebody so I can get a full night's sleep.

2010-09-08T22:10:00.001-07:00

Don't give up on me! I do update occasionally.

But really, the summer kind of ended up sucking, and then having a good finish. I am way too young to be the matriarch of my family.

"Don't those soldiers know that fighting is dangerous, and someone could get hurt?" -Stephen, when his dad took him to the Gettysburg museum.

"Are you just pure sweet?" "No, I'm Greer."

"So what is circle time?"

Also, we sent our two-year-olds home with homework tonight. Woohoo. Start them early.

I found the picture I want my next tattoo to be. Took 33 pages of google image to find the purple iris from the angle I want. Now I just need to save up the splurge money for it. Ideally it will match the pink lily I have on my left shoulder.

Just because I really want a baby does NOT mean I want one right now or that I want one inside of me. I need to graduate first. And then find $50,000 because that's what babies are going for these days.

2010-05-03T14:59:00.000-07:00

I think after years of education, I finally figured out how to make a good thesis: Write the paper, and then see what you argued. As opposed to coming up with either a really lame thesis, or saying something and then going off on a (hopefully better) tangent and never coming back. Which is what I was previously doing.

And to think, I only came up with this because my paper was going to be twice as long as the assignment said and I needed a new strategy for shortening it. So I decided to write and see what my main theme was, and then go with that. Hoorah! Now off to finish said paper.

2010-04-25T15:58:00.000-07:00

Things I've learned this week:

Happiness is more important than homework.
Rain is a meteor. Well, a whole whole bunch of them, but still. Rain=Meteors
You can buy a house at Costco.
If you sarcastically make a comment, people will take you seriously.
Roommates who don't do dishes also don't take out their own trash.
Divorce sometimes is the answer.
Professors are people too.
I'm not the only person who spends too much money on food.
Cooking for other people is more fun than cooking for myself.
Sometimes you learn things about people that changes your opinion of them.
Deleting people as friends on facebook is cathartic.
Procrastination is always a bad thing.
I am a fabulous person.

2010-03-02T08:43:00.000-08:00

Thank you to everyone who has helped me get through this last six months. Everyone who has showed they care, even in the little ways, has really made my life just that much bettr. Thank you.

2010-02-20T12:00:00.000-08:00

San Francisco was absolutely amazing...except for the resulting sinus and ear infections.

I can't wait to go back. And this year's Prov should go better to plan than last years, and should get near the overall spiritual awesomeness of Salt Lake Prov. Now, to go about promoting this event...

If anybody is a college student/young adult on the west coast interested in an Episcopal conference on Iganation spirituality, let me know, and I will get more information to you.

2010-02-06T13:55:00.001-08:00

Anybody up for a bridge burning party at a date yet to be determined? (no actual bridges will be set afire)

Wow, it's a good thing I never wanted much of a social life anyways. <- sarcasm

Wish me luck!

And also: I get to go to San Francisco next weekend!! Which means I will be missing work on Friday. But that's okay. I'm totally up for the adventure. Which hopefully will involve food I can eat. Anyone in the Bay Area want to try and find a time to get together?

And now back to writing two papers and reading 300 pages.

2010-01-26T22:49:00.000-08:00

Really, you are more than old enough to grow up. Really. Jealousy over such little things is stupid, and is further affecting my already dim view of you. Give it up already.

Trick for getting a sleeping kid to not wake up when putting him down, as into a car seat or crib: Support his head. Don't let his neck muscles suddenly wake up. That's my secret for how I can almost always put babies down without them waking up when they fall asleep in my arms. Not that difficult. It's not that they actually wake up easier as they get older, but that people don't support their heads, because they can hold them up themselves now. But I guess I have been taking care of kids for 12 years now. One would hope I've learned something in all that time.

Next fall? Really. Wow, I really am going to take at least four classes total from her. By the end of this I should be really good at writing papers for her anyways...

June or September? That is the question. And then I'm really torn.

And the funny statement of the week? "April, you dress like a middle-aged soccer mom." Now, I have been told a lot of things about my appearance over the years, but that was definitely a new one. Right up there with "You look like you belong in Seattle." No, not from the same person. Thankfully.

2010-01-17T17:25:00.000-08:00

I went clothes shopping today. For those of you lucky enough to have never gone through the ordeal of clothes shopping with me, I HATE clothes shopping, and the feeling generally appears to be mutual. But today actually turned out pretty well, I got a new pair of jeans (desperately needed) and a cute sweater dress that I'm sure I will have occasion to wear next winter, and was at a price that was more than worth it. So, in light of that success, I thought I would share my commentary of clothes shopping. When I'm shopping with somebody, that unfortunate person usually has to hear this out loud. When shopping by myself I usually refrain from saying it out loud.

Walk into Kohl's. Now, where are the jeans in this place. Oh good, there they are. What, my only choices are flare or skinny? What if I wanted boot cut. And they don't have the darker ones in flare? Cause there's no way I'm wearing skinny jeans. I can't imagine that they'd be comfortable. Oh well. Here we go. Which sizes should I start with? How about 5 average, 5 long, 7 short, and 7 average. That should be a good start. I need to find jeans that aren't dragging on the floor, cause then they get wet and salty and fray faster, and then they wear out sooner, and then I have to buy new ones sooner. Oh look, an empty dressing room. Wow, these jeans are a little tight (starting with 5 average) but maybe they'd stretch with wear. (crouch down on the floor, like I would at work) Oh, maybe not. There's no way these would be practical. Okay, maybe I'll try the 7 short next. Oh good, they fit right. And they're the right length. Except, that they aren't against my skin in the back. Will that be annoying? I'm not sure. (put the 5 averages back on) Oh, these do it to, I just didn't notice. I wonder if it's cause my bum's so big compared to the whoever these jeans are supposed to fit. Ugh, I hate the fashion industry. Oh well. (put the 7 shorts back on) Yeah, these will do. I wish I could find slightly darker ones, but whatever. I'll just get these. Are these jeans essentially trying to call me fat? Cause I'm not buying it. But apparently I should be taller to have hips this wide. That's kind of offensive. Why can't girl clothes come all with measurements like boy clothes, then it's a fact, and something subjective. It's a good thing I don't let society pressure me into having a negative body-image, though heavens knows my family has certainly tried hard enough. But I can't imagine life without clothes, and I'm not sure I could go through the ordeal of trying on boy jeans. Speaking of which, whey are cute jeans always in the junior section, and never in the women's section. Women wear jeans, and I'm sure they don't all want to look mildly frumpy. (Aside to women reading this who have found cute jeans in the women's section: Congratulations!) (looking through the clearance rack for a new sweater, cause I'm getting bored with my few nice looking, non-fleece ones) Ooh, this is a pretty dress, I wonder if it would fit. (try it on) Hmm, I wish this were a little longer and not so tight in the sleeves. But it's a small. A small. How small do you have to be for this fit comfortably, I mean really people. (finds medium and large) The medium works I guess, but it's still not quite long enough. It would look really cute with tights though, and that might make it okay. And for $6 I can't complain too much. Well, I could just not buy the dress. (try on the large) Wow, this fits right. It's doesn't appear too big, it's nice and comfortable, and loose, and almost as long as I would make it if I were making clothes, and the skirt is slightly fuller. I will definitely get this dress. But really, it's a large. I am not large. No wonder so many women and girls have body image issues. If this is what the fashion industry is proclaiming as large, there are major problems. We won't even get into how small you'd have to be to fit the small size. Oh well. Since the dress does fit, and it's only $6, and I'm sure I'll have an occasion to wear this next winter, if not in the next couple months, it'll be worth it. It would make a good choice for the bishop's consecration in November I think. Okay. I'm done with the fashion industry for today. I'm going to get out of here now, before this gets more infectious. Oh look, swim suits are out already. But what, I have to pick between being modest up top or down below? What kind of world is this. I want a nice, pretty, somewhat modest swimsuit that doesn't make me look like some kind of fundie. I think this is why I don't swim. And probably why I like skiing. Skiing requires wearing as many clothes as necessary, which is great. No too short shorts. No sagging armhole jerseys. Yea skiing. I should have gone skiing today. But it's so cold, and I had other errand to run...like here. At least I found jeans that fit. That's good. And a cute dress.

And that is how I go clothes shopping. This is actually a pretty good day. When I need new nice-ish looking shirts, it's a whole other rant though. But I will spare y'all that until I attempt to buy shirts again.

2010-01-05T20:57:00.001-08:00

Going back to work after this break, which apparently used my vacation time, to get paid...So not okay with that. I was planning to use my vacation time in June, thanks, has reminded both of how much I love my kids and that I go to work for the kids, not the grown-ups. But I only get a week of vacation a year, and you're going to use most of that for a week I didn't want off, and think should be holiday pay, instead of letting me use it for that week off I requested for June? Uggh. Also, I want to find six or seven more three-year-olds in need of preschool/daycare so that I can keep my kids longer. Cause I really like the ones I have now, and if enough three-year-olds enroll, they won't be able to take them away from me, I mean move them up, in June, because there won't be room on the purple side until the four-year-olds go to kindergarten.

If I didn't love my kids, I think I would have up and quit by now, given that I have gotten two other job offers since I started at St. Paul's. Unfortunately both of them were part-time, but if I can get financial aid, I don't need to spend all of my time at work, and could actually work part-time instead...but I can't leave my kids while they're still mine, so I'm not considering anything else until they get taken away. I mean moved up to the blue room. If I did that, I would feel that I was betraying both my kids and their parents, and that's not something I could do.

I wonder if anyone else plans what they're going to do with their excess income when they graduate school like I do. I currently have my budget so that I'm really only living on less than half my income, because the rest of it pretty much goes to the U. Things I plan to buy when I graduate, because I don't see any reason to suddenly start living frivolously all the time. But I will probably buy a bed frame, so that I don't have a mattress on the floor anymore, new ski equipment, and possibly a Wii (and a television, to play the Wii on). I might also take up yoga, or as my late grandmother once suggested, pole dancing. Apparently it's a popular fitness trend now. But most of my money will go into savings for grad school, because that's what you do with a gender studies degree. Oh, and maybe someday I'll buy either a Ford Escape (my dream car) or a Subaru Forester, because it's a Subaru and an SUV, and I don't like cats.

Random funny thing of the week: In Salt Lake City, the lesbian bar is across the street from the Subaru dealership. (for those of you who don't get why this is funny, Subarus are considered a lesbian car unless you live in Utah, because practically everybody here has one)

2009-12-29T16:56:00.000-08:00

I'm lonely. This has been more of an issue since this ridiculous unpaid vacation from work, but really, it's true. I spent the last semester busy with work and school and church so that I wouldn't notice, but now that none of those things are an option for a week, it's hitting hard. I hate eating dinner alone as it is, but now I'm also eating lunch alone, and other than baby-sitting today, not really hanging out with people I know either. I am tired of being lonely. I am taking this opportunity to point out that I am not complaining about being single, but about not really having an close friends in this icy snowy state with a heart to match. I have had close friends in Utah, but Nichole got married to a returned missionary, Anastasia moved to Michigan for law school, Jim transferred to DePaul University in Chicago, and Jamie is now going to seminary in Berkeley. But now I have, um, nobody. I do have friends here, but not the call up and hang out for no reason friends, I have situational friends. I am willing to admit that yeah, a fair part of this is my fault, but there also doesn't seem to be anybody around in need of another close friend. Basically, life here sucks, and I would leave, but where would I go?

Oh, I had a wonderful amazing Christmas, probably the best one I've had since I was a little girl. Not going to Texas was definitely the way to go, and if possible, I plan to repeat that in the future. But somehow that's made the lonely thing worse, because I got a day of spending time with people, having fun, and not being stuck in my house by myself. And then I get to return to my boring, lonely life. I'm frequently the only one home at night, because most of my housemates are at work, or friends' houses, or parties or whatnot, and that makes it worse too, because it's like look, see, they can have a life, why can't I?

This entire rant will probably become semi-pointless week after next, but not really. I have a Tuesday night class and a Wednesday night class, and choir on Thursdays, and school on Tuesday and Thursday mornings, and work the rest of the week all day and Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, and I might as well stay involved in qsu for Monday nights, but then we'll get around to the weekend, and I'll get lonely again.

Because everyone should smile for the holidays...

2009-12-19T19:56:00.000-08:00

First up: funny quotes/things said this week.

Cameron: What's your definition of granola [as an adjective, not the food]? I don't think I know what this type of person looks like. (pulls up google images)
Nate: Well, shops at REI, wears comfortable clothes, probably vegetarian, eats healthy, is in good shape, doesn't usually wear make-up...
Cameron: I can't think of anyone who fits that description.
Nate: What about April? She's even standing right there - in REI shoes, comfy clothes, no makeup, and is a vegetarian.

Fun quotes from work:

Kid: said something about Mommy's house.
Me: What about Daddy? Does he have a house?
Kid: No, he doesn't have one yet.

Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Kid: Socks, and candy canes and jelly beans. And tiger pajamas.

Kid pushing shopping cart. I'm shopping at Whole Foods. Oh no, I can't find the bread, they must have moved it. I wonder where the bread is...

Second up: Things/People that make me happy (in no particular order)

Sydney, Stephen, Stella, Patrick, and Clara
Church
Church Choir
Good shoes
People who take care of me, especially in the little ways
The back of my car
My baby blanket (which, for the record, fits my twin-sized bed)
Scarves
Netflix
Gender Studies classes
Ravelry (www.ravelry.com)
Heaters, microwaves, and other modern conveniences
Long, hot baths and showers
Wool socks
Baby-sitting
Clothes that fit right

Reality Hits Hard

2009-12-12T15:27:00.000-08:00

So I love my History of Sexuality class. I do, it's fabulous. In part because the professor gives us practical advice. And readings that contain practical advice. Like medical decision making. Or rather, who gets to make medical decisions for me if I can't.

I was filling out some forms for something the other day (don't remember what) that asked for an emergency contact. That would be, umm... uh... so I put down my priest, because I figure if something happens to me and I can call, that's probably who I would call.

But. If something does happen to me and decisions need to be made, legally, my biological father gets to make that decision since my grandmother died. I am not okay with that. Which means I need to get legal paperwork drawn up and filed and such saying that someone else gets to do that. But I don't know who that would be. There isn't really anyone in my life right now that I would feel comfortable asking, and while my aunt and uncle would, and I certainly prefer them to my father, I'm not sure they really know me well enough to make the right choices. And I'm certainly not giving that responsibility to my sister.

Reality just sucks sometimes.

2009-12-02T21:33:00.000-08:00

Because I'm taking a break from the re-write of a paper I (and nine out of ten other people) thought was fairly good the first time I thought I would post a slightly funny, very church-nerdy story. That some people will get a kick out of, and others maybe will continue shaking their heads at me.

So I'm a gender studies major. And a Christian. So I occasionally get asked how I reconcile my feminist beliefs with my religion. To which my response is something along the lines of, well, I'm an Episcopalian, I don't have to. My church agrees with me. The head of our national church is a woman. But apparently one guy wanted to push this further.
So you believe in God?
Yes.
And Jesus?
Yes.
So doesn't that mean you have more than one god?
Umm, no. I happen to believe in this fabulous thing called the Trinity.
The what?
The Trinity. That God the father, God the son, and God the Holy Spirit are all the same, that is to say, God, but are all different at the same time.
That's just an excuse. There aren't things like that in science.
What about H2O?
What?
Water. Ice is water, and steam is water, and water is water. They're all the same, that is to say, H2O, but they're also very different.
Huh. I never thought about it that way. Tell me more about this church of yours.

In thinking about this later, I have decided that Jesus is the ice, God is the water, and the Holy Spirit would be the steam. Because Jesus was solid, was born, lived, died, all that. Real body. God is powerful and underestimated, like the the tiny streams carving out massive canyons, but also a life force, like the water that helps plants to grow. Holy Spirit is powerful but invisible, and rarely mentioned outside of her context, like how you don't see steam, but it can power a train, and people don't really sit around talking about steam, unless they are engineers with a steam engine or what not.

That is obviously not completely thought through. This is, after all, a procrastination effort.

Oh, and the one out of ten people who didn't think my paper was fairly good the first time is my professor. Which is unfortunate, since she's the one giving out the grades.

Minor Rants

2009-11-27T22:34:00.000-08:00

Just a few things that being online for most of the day (I deserve a one day break. Back to getting things done tomorrow.) that have struck me as something worth a minor rant about. And also some things that came up in life recently.

1. RESPECT PERSONAL SPACE/BOUNDARIES! This is in all capital letters, because, well, it should be. Yes, I am a fairly touchy-feely person. I like hugs and all that. But NOT from everyone. There are some people I feel are invading my space/boundaries when they give me a hug. And I have absolutely no problems telling them not to. Yes, it will probably offend them. But I feel that respecting my boundaries is worth that. I will not let somebody take advantage of me for the sake of being polite. (No one that I know reads this blog is included in this category, if you're reading my blog and haven't told me, you might be, because that's just creepy)

2. Going to school part time does NOT mean that I am not a serious student. In fact, if you sit down to hear the whole story of why I'm going part-time you would probably realize that if anything, it makes me more of a serious student, because I didn't just give up on the whole enterprise. If you want me to go to school full-time and be a "serious" student, pay my tuition.

But for those who don't know, the basic outline of the story is that I can't even apply for financial aid because I am not 24, not married, don't have kids, and am not a grad student, and therefore am not independent. Yes I file as independent on my taxes, and no, the office of financial aid doesn't care. But it's not their fault they don't care. The federal government decided at some point that your parents are responsible for paying for your college until any of the above requirements are met (or you graduate, obviously) whether or not they are actually supporting you. I was raised by my grandparents, but they never legally adopted me, for a myriad of reasons, and it was the only thing we really ever fought about when I was growing up. My parents were neglectful and abusive towards both me and my sister, who doesn't remember any of it. Because of me saying one time that as soon as my sister was old enough to cross the street we were going to run away, my grandparents took us from my father. It was easily the BEST thing that's ever happened in my life. I was seven years old when they saved our lives. Nine years later my grandfather died, two weeks before my junior year of high school. My grandmother and I became really close after that, because in a lot of ways, we were all each other had left. When I moved to Utah to go to college, it nearly broke her heart, but I knew that I still needed to leave. So I moved 1000 miles away with both her blessing and her support, because she realized that however much she didn't want me to leave, that I needed to get out of Lubbock. She never knew all of my reasons for leaving, but she was willing to be supportive, not asking for them all, because she long held the belief that you shouldn't ask a question if you aren't willing for the answer to go either way. I started going to the University of Utah quite happily, and stayed through the summer for summer school, and became a resident of Utah by the following fall. At this point my grandmother was getting my father's income tax forms and filling out the FAFSA from her house in Texas, and then getting him to sign the paperwork. For various reasons I decided that I was no longer even willing to get that much support from him, a decision that was hard to make financially, but emotionally made me much happier. At that point though, I still had my grandmother's support and help in paying bills when I couldn't quite make it with my paycheck. My very beloved grandmother died August 30, 2009. So now I have no way of knowing where my father is, even if I were willing to use his tax information. I also have no desire to try and find him. So now I am in the process of trying to get all of the paperwork rounded up to try and convince the office of financial aid to grant me an exception, so that I could go to school full-time again. I could graduate in four semesters of full time, which would be next spring, if I could afford the tuition, especially as I would then only have to work part-time to pay for living expenses. (And to think, that's the basic outline)

3. People saying Hi, How are you?. This has really been pissing me off lately, especially when I'm clearly not doing well. Really, what do you expect the answer to be? The only polite answer is, I'm well, thanks. How are you? But even though that's not always true, you get really weird looks if you answer anything different. So if I look like I'm having a bad day, and you aren't prepared to give me a hug (unless you're one of the aforementioned people in rant #1), don't ask how I am. If I'm at work, as how my kids are. If it's after work, ask how my kids were. Or how school was. Both work and school are generally happy topics for me. (Except the office of financial aid, but that's rant #2)If I'm crying, really, do not say Hi, how are you?. This is monumentally stupid, and pisses me off, because the answer is quite clearly, terrible, thanks, and you?

4. That because my blog is generally bitchy, I don't seem to be happy. Or that's what I would gather if I only knew me through my blog posts. Also, my blog seems to leave out key details that occasionally fail to get mentioned. Like my grandmother dying, I think this is the first post that is mentioned in. That I had an awesome, amazing fun summer with Jamie, who I wasn't dating, never got put in, after me saying that the summer would probably be boring. Actually, it was not boring thanks to Jamie. And other things, like General Convention, which I don't think I ever wrote a post about, the Indigo Girls concert, which was an amazingly good time, the Utah Pride Festival, which also never got a post, and I think may have also left out that I did, in fact, get elected to Diocesan Council.

5. That I may have actually said out loud about someone, "She would probably be a lot of fun to have sex with." While not a bad thing in and of itself, I object to this statement for a number of reasons, and I'm the one that said it. Never mind the fact that it's about someone completely inappropriate to think that about (and no, the woman in question is not one of my professors or a priest). But really, I didn't mean it quite how it sounds. I usually try not to say things like that.

2009-11-19T22:38:00.001-08:00

Because this blog has gotten depressing: A list of funny quotes from the last few weeks.

"We have the same shoes"
"Yes..."
"Are you a lesbian, or do you just like REI?"

(professor's mild rant about political lesbians not actually wanting to have sex with women, but still wanting to consider themselves lesbians, and lesbians who do want to have sex falling in love with them and being disapointed)
"Do you think she's bitter from experience?"
(professor mentions the political lesbians not wanting to have sex thing again)
"Yes."

"That shows dedication to a cause."
"Not really. Just extreme boredom."

"I would not have survived long at BYU"
(ten minutes later in the conversation)
"Are you LDS?"

-------------------------------------

And some ones from work:

"You like apple juice and oranges and water Miss April."
"Yes, I do."
"And beer."
"Wash your hands please."

"I'm a fruit loop"
"Me too."
"Am I a fruit loop?"
"No hon, I think you're granola."

"We're boyfriends and going to CostCo" (while holding hands)
"You're two. You're too young for dating."

"April! April! You're made out of bones!"

"It's a triceratops like you April. It eats plants. Like grass. Do you eat grass?"
"No, me and the triceratops like different kinds of plants."

2009-11-01T19:30:00.000-08:00

I now have a new place to live! It's in a big house that I'm sharing with five other girls. Yeah, six girls in one house. But there are two kitchens and four bathrooms, so it's not actually that bad. And I still get off street parking. Granted, I now have to figure out how to lug my furniture up a flight of stairs, but that's a small price to pay for a place almost as good as my current apartment. It's block and a half from work, a block and a half from the bus to school, and a block and a half from trax (light rail). So gas for my car won't go up. And it has crazy things like heat, and sturdy floors, and solid walls, and electricity that won't short out if you plug in anything more powerful than a bad microwave.

I'm meeting with my professor on Tuesday afternoon to discuss the re-write of my paper. I made the comment that I was a pretty solid B- writer, and she said we'd have to work on that. So hooray, maybe my writing will actually improve, which will be a good thing, since I'm definitely going to be doing something that involves lots of writing as a career.

Happy Halloween

2009-10-31T14:08:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween!!

My family is having a huge party I'm not going to because it is thirteen hundred miles away, but I'm sure they'll have a lot of fun, and I did contribute, I sent pumpkin and skull ice cube trays, which apparently were a big hit. (past tense because they've been making ice in them for this party for almost a month)

And I'm apartment hunting. I absolutely hate moving. I was planning to stay in my current apartment until I left Utah, or other life circumstances occurred, but alas, the building is falling apart and the city told the landlords they have to start renovations by December 1st.

2009-10-25T22:13:00.000-07:00

I've decided to scrap the alphabet idea as a continuing series. Yes, the next in the alphabet series will be B, but not right now.

I was reading over my blog the other day, from start to finish, and it seems to me that I only post when in bad moods. Which is probably the point of blogging, but not actually reflective of my life. Well, maybe the number of times church is referenced is, but not the sad, depressed part.

I was elected to Diocesan Council yesterday, so that should make my life more interesting. And adds yet another church-related activity to my life. I think I'm developing a church problem. Well, not a problem, but I am starting to see how my life is orienting itself.

I also need to learn how to write history papers, since they are apparently not written in the same way as english papers. I think my life is headed in the wrong direction for someone who is not a fan of writing. There are no careers coming out of Gender Studies that I can think of that do not involve lots of writing, and probably grad school of some sort. But that's okay. If writing is what it takes, that's what I'll do.

Also, I do now have a guitar and am learning to play it. And my singing is definitely improving being in choir (yes, at church) which is always on the up and up.

brought to you by the letter A

2009-10-20T19:47:00.000-07:00

I think I'm going to do an alphabet series again, like I did that one time on my Xanga, but more expanded. So today's post is brought to you by the letter A.

A is for April, airplanes, alliances, appeals, aid, accidents and academics.

April is who I am, who I have been, and who I will be. There isn't really any way around that. But hey, that's cool. Don't you know I can't be anybody else, even if I wanted to give it a try. It's hard enough to be me, but it would be much harder to not be me.

Airplanes I plan to ride in plenty this spring, going to Chicago and San Francisco, and maybe later in the year to Montreal. I like Utah, but it's good to get out now and again, and I definitely have plans for that in the up and coming future. And the airplane to take me to Texas to see my family this winter where I will likely tell the truth that has been dividing us.

Alliances just because it sounded cool, and hey, allies are a good thing.

Appeals and Aid go together, in that I am attempting to appeal to the office of financial aid to let me apply for some.

Accidents for that run-in I had last week with the hot-glue gun. They weren't joking when they named them hot. The project is turning out awesomely however, so it's definitely worth it.

Academics. Oh school how I love thee enough to be trying to get out as fast as possible. It would be much faster if I could get financial aid and go to school full-time. Oh academia, what a love-hate relationship we have. Hate will win out though, if I don't get finished soon.

Stayed tuned for the next post, which will be brough to you by the letter B.

2009-08-26T22:02:00.000-07:00

And who would have thought I'd end up here
waiting, wondering, watching, wishing
Knowing how it could have, would have, should have been

Also, I really really want a guitar, which requires money. And unfortunately, textbook costs are not helping with this. Ugh. Though a nice folk guitar with nylon strings is far more tempting to buy, and would probably be useful for far more years.

It's great for once to not regret what I didn't do.
The words I didn't say. The actions I didn't take.
But, however, except, I still wonder.

And I love my classes this semester. They will definitely provide some interest to my life, and break up the monotony. History of Sexuality is taught by a woman who is probably the most fun professor I've ever had.

2009-08-10T19:48:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been a while since I updated. A lot has happened. A lot has not.

At any rate, the computer lab is about to close, but before I go, the names of my classes for the fall:
Myth Magic and Religion
History of Sexuality in America

Should be a fun semester!

2009-06-30T22:23:00.000-07:00

Apparently I need to update.

I got an extremely fair review of my final paper for my Gender and Sexuality in International Literature Class, and I got a C overall for the class, which I am happy with. I will certainly take an 82% on the paper, considering it was...um, five pages shorter than the required length, had I not stretched it with some creative formatting. And also not cited completely properly. Cited yes, in MLA format, not so much. And it was certainly not as eloquent and well-written as I would have liked for it to be. On the other hand, it is generally said that you are your own worst critic. Had I graded that paper, I would have probably given it between a C- at best. Of course, I also know myself, and my writing, and know the potential of the paper, and that is the standard I hold myself to, even if others aren't. But to get a nice solid B- on a paper for a 5900-level English class gives me some confidence that my writing is not actually bad, and if I put in more effort, would actually be good. But also assures me that I did not miss my calling as an English major.

As much as I hate my job, and would gladly quit in three weeks, I think I'll stick it out until I know I have a job lined up, and can afford to go to school at the same time. Also, I'm kind of interested to see how it will be to work with Shannon. Though I'm not sure I can keep this up for too much longer. I get too attached to the kids.

The Utah Arts Festival was tons of fun, and next year I think I will definitely do more. I also have to say that I loved pouring wine, and that I am so doing my best to claim food court wine for any of my alcohol shifts next year, as at food court you can still hear the music, but you are not going to go deaf, and can hear what people are saying.

You know what, I know it isn't going to work out that way, and I'm cool with that, and it's not like I ever really thought it would, but if it were to, I would totally decide that maybe one thing's not such a bad idea in certain instances (particularly when paths aren't going to frequently cross paths unintentionally) and that yeah, it probably would be worth it, and I would be willing to give it a go. Of course, speculation means naught, when no action is accompanying.

Onwards with life.

And as much as I love it here, what I love is changing, and I'm not sure I'm as attached to the future as I am to the present, so when things are all said and done, I don't think it will be too hard to leave Utah.

I am now pretty much certain I've met my future self, and the things I say about her, I hope someone calls me on when it's me instead.

2009-05-23T22:13:00.000-07:00

I am exhausted. But for totally awesome reasons. I went to not one, but two parties today. The Browns had a catch-all celebration party for a year in their house, Scott's graduation, and Scott turning 40 that I stopped by at, and then one of my kids at work's family was having some sort of big party that I'm not completely sure of they why, but it involved tons of children, and craw fish. Which by the way, were still alive when dropped into the boiling water to cook. The kids were making pets of them, and then gave them over to be cooked for dinner. I think this was the first time I've ever seen people kill their food while cooking it, immediately prior to eating it. I've never seen someone cook lobster, obviously.

And I'm baby-sitting Monday night. This is proving to be a fairly profitable weekend.

2009-05-21T22:18:00.000-07:00

So can I just say that I had forgotten how much I love "Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit" by Jeanette Winterson. I had read it in high school when it got slipped into my pile of library books, but with a completely different lens than reading it now. Then I was a kind of screwed up high school student who washed her car every time it got tagged with insults, replaced the window when it got broken into, and managed to survive both physical and emotional violence because of being gay, and didn't sleep much. Now I've grown up, my life is not such a battle as it was then, or as I thought it was then, even in retrospect it's hard to see where the line between reality and perception is, and I am now much more sure of my religious beliefs than I was then, and have actually listened to, and not just heard, the stories of those who were before me, and those who had to fight the battles alone. I had many advantages Jeanette (the character) didn't have, and when I read the book in high school I didn't really think about it, but now I am thinking about it, and the one battle I didn't have to fight, that I don't think I can ever understand how difficult it would have been, was religion. I grew up in a church that accepts me for who I am, not who they think I should be. I know this has had a huge impact on my life, that my God will always be there, even when other people won't. I have lost enough friends for being a lesbian, so I can feel Jeanette there, and my family is also kind of crazy, in a different way than her mother, but nonetheless crazy.

Back on topic, I think I am going to write my research paper using post-colonialism and general feminism (Adrienne Rich, Bonnie Zimmerman) to say that the Jeanette's coming out, so to speak, and the reaction she has to how the church feels about her is a symptom of post-colonialism, with the church she was raised in being the colonizer.

2009-05-18T21:15:00.000-07:00

I start classes again tomorrow. I'm not sure how this is going to go, as for a week and a half of my six and a half week class my family will be visiting. And we all know that I love my family, I really do, but in small doses it works better for everyone. At least I'll still have my job. Which should keep me sane while they're here. An interesting couple of weeks have passed...well, now that I think about it, just one week has passed since my last entry...but here are some highlighting quotes:

"Wow, you pack that SUV really well"
"Thanks..."
"It must be your lesbian superpower"
"What?"
"So you don't need a u-haul"

"There are many things I don't need to know about my kids' parents. Like the color of their underwear. Or that they changed from pink to blue at some point between dropping their kid off at school and picking her up."
"Wow. That's crazy."
"I know. I was there."

"Well, we all knew before he did. What did you say when he told you?"
"Mmhmm, and?"

"That's not my car. It's obviously not a dykemobile."
"I don't think I could get away with saying that."
"Probably not."

"Why would anyone want to go on a hundred-mile bike ride?"
"Well, I'm going next month, I just didn't want to go tomorrow."
"I go back to, but why?"

"She was dressed like a little lesbian."
"Why do you say that?"
"I have several versions of the same outfit."

What a week it was!

2009-05-10T20:54:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there. Even and maybe especially the not-real mothers. And my non-related moms and grandmothers.

Happy Mother's Day to Grandmother Rue.
Happy Mother's Day to Mother Robin.
Happy Mother's Day to Jan Kireilis.
Happy Mother's Day to Vicki Evans.
Happy Mother's Day to Rabbi Elise.
Happy Mother's Day to Melissa Wafer-Cross.

One day I'll be one too.

2009-05-04T18:29:00.000-07:00

So apparently putting boys' hair into y
mmmg ughtgunbhjnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg ''''''''''jjjjjjjjjjjjjj//////////////////////////;'//////////////////////ui

The above interruption was added by a cute little 14 month old boy in the coffee shop.

As I was saying:
So apparently putting boys' hair into pigtails is great for finding out their mother's opinions on all sorts of things. Ian's mother when he had on flowered pants and pigtails in his hair first didn't recognize him, and then told him he would make such a pretty girl. Patrick's mother today when he went home in pigtails after I explained why he had them in his hair just looked at him, and said she was secure with that. Which is odd phrasing, but is no way a negative comment. She also minored in Women's studies when she was in college, so....

Putting girls' hair into pigtails is an instant path to popularity.

Good times at work. I love kids, and that's why I do this.

2009-05-03T20:25:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to continue on this single forever path. Changing this does conflict greatly with other things I want from life. However, it's a conflict I've decided upon. I don't want to continue down this path of nothingness waiting until I'm old enough to get where I'm going. I'm happy single, but I don't feel called to celibacy. And one night stands aren't really my thing.

I miss performing music. I really need to get back into playing. Especially so that my piano playing isn't so mediocre the next time I play for Lumen. Which I'm sure will happen again. I need to buy a guitar. *Adds to to-do list*

I also should look into getting internet at home.

This summer should be interesting, if not impossibly boring. I really am not a fan of the fact that most of my school friends are leaving for the summer, if not for good.

July should prove to be lots of fun. General Convention, Indigo Girls, a four day weekend. What could be better?

2009-04-28T20:44:00.001-07:00

I'm resisting the urge to chop off my hair again. I know I'll regret it afterwards. It's not worth it. There isn't anything to chop off.

I need a break from Utah. Or maybe to go hiking up the trail that's in the Avenues, or the Shoreline trail this weekend. Maybe we'll try that, and I'll put my photo essay together from that.

I'm running awfully short on time to register for summer semester. This is beginning to worry me.

I have insomnia combined with an extreme urge to bake. I know exactly what that means. But it's not something I want to consider an option. I have my life plans. This doesn't fit. But the puzzle doesn't have to go together perfectly. Life is art, not science.

I feel as if I'm out of the loop with all things gay lately.

I think I need to start going to morning prayer, or at least Saturday evening services. And maybe start going to centering prayer again.

Really though, I'm not in any way unhappy. I love how things are going right now.

2009-04-26T20:50:00.000-07:00

I need to do something with my life. I mean other than what I'm currently doing. Yes teaching preschool is a valid career path, but it's not getting what I want out of my life for me. I want to do something for the world. I want to change the world. I want to be who I am and stand for what I believe, in all aspects of me, not just the pick and choose I seem to have to do now.

What is there that I can do with my life to make the world a better place?

I really really need to graduate so I can get on with life. Maybe this will move to consideration numero uno. I wonder how my family will feel when I graduate and don't tell them. hmmm... But as they haven't helped me pay for it, it's not like I'm obligated to walk across the stage for them. I did that once, I have no need to do it again.

Interesting how I'm being both more centered on the world around me, and at the same time taking more of what I want into consideration when deciding things.

2009-04-24T21:16:00.000-07:00

So as much as I'm one of the only people at work willing to deal with Beanie's mommy Judi on a daily basis, sometimes she says things that just really get me. Actually, my opinion of Judi is kind of two-fold, because on the one hand she is definitely overprotective and concerned, and basically there's just too much estrogen in that house not being leveled out, but on the other hand, I can totally see that I'm going to be really similar when I have kids. So interacting with her is like interacting with a slightly obnoxious version of my future self.

Back to the topic. So apparently it's my fault Bean caught the terrible stomach flu or whatever it was. Judi loves me other than this one incident...I think...but her reaction to this one is in my opinion a little out of proportion. Though I think making sure to save Bean's chestnut everyday from when we go on a walk definitely helps my case. She's my little Beanie-baby and I'm not going to let anything happen to her, so why on earth I would let her get sick is beyond me.

I don't think I've ever been so happy to see mommy Jennifer in my life. She's much more agreeable. Or less loud about being disagreeable.

At least the getting sick thing made them forget about the spoiled little brat thing.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Because I need a life other than work. and church.

Oh school. I so need to get some things figured out for this summer and then fall. Figuring out how I'm paying tuition and quitting my job is going to take some finesse. That's for sure.

2009-04-19T20:45:00.000-07:00

i think i'm in over my head.

[conversation here]

yep. something like that.

i'm so going to hell. but it's okay.

insert confusion.

and the indigo girls are coming to salt lake.

utah was definitely the right choice for me.

to think of how happy i am now, i'm glad i made it through high school.

i should text jan sometime.

and i could desperately use a melissa conversation.

once i'm done in utah, i wonder where i'll end up.

2009-04-15T20:00:00.000-07:00

And hooray for an awesome board game night on Tuesday. I love board games. Anyone want to play? I have a fairly significant collection of them.

2009-04-11T11:30:00.000-07:00

Not having internet or TV at home anymore is giving me a whole new perspective on life. Such as how much time I was wasting, and how much more productive I could be, potentially. Though I would be more productive if I were at home sorting through my stuff and not sitting at a coffee shop using the internet. However, I am now limited by the hours I can use the internet, and how often, and such. And also how much coffee/chai I'm willing to buy. Unfortunately though, I have a bit of a weakness for good chai.

I'm looking forward to this summer lots and lots. If only it would hurry up and get here.

Oh, and if anyone wants a job in childcare, I think we're probably hiring.

2009-04-10T14:46:00.001-07:00

I love Holy Week.

2009-04-08T18:45:00.001-07:00

So this happened a few weeks ago. Well, ish, it was March 31st. I decided to do the slightly crazy thing of making rainbow cupcakes with my two-year-olds. It was an adventure for the taste-buds, that's for sure. I decided to use the soda method, and also color them with kool-aid, instead of food coloring. I thought the different flavor for each color would be fun. My kids thought it was a blast, so here's the recipe:
1 box white cake mix
1 bottle Jones cream soda
6 packets of kool-aid (strawberry, orange, lemonade, lemon-lime, blue raspberry, and grape)

Mix the soda and the cake mix, and stir until mixed. Divide the batter into six bowls, add one packet of kool-aid to each, except grape, and you only need about half of that, and mix to color. Spoon into cupcake liners, and bake at 350F for 20 minutes or so. They will be sour (kind of like sweet tart candies actually), brightly colored, and sort of sticky, in a very moist way, not an undercooked way. They also smell amazing when baking (according to the 3yo teachers anyways, the kitchen is on their half of the preschool).

I'm totally thinking about making some rainbow cupcakes or a whole rainbow cake maybe, for Pride, or some other such gay occasion. Or for the next party I have for kids, as they seem to like the sour thing. I also think that if I diluted the koolaid over large batches of cake mix, that you could taste more of the flavors. It would totally be awesomeness.

In the rest of my life, I'm rethinking the single thing. And also have set a goal for at least two hours outside everyday in nice weather. This includes both at work, and going to the park and reading or walking or some such activity, so that I'm not such an indoorsy girl, so that when major outdoor events do happen, the sun doesn't get me quite as badly. Events like the Salt Lake Arts Festival, Living Traditions, Farmers' Market, and Pride, among others. I'm also aiming for a solid B in my class this summer. I would aim for an A, but I like to have realistic goals.

2009-04-06T20:58:00.000-07:00

I need a job that does more for society. Unfortunately, I also need a job that pays more than my current one. I do not see these two things colliding nicely. So I'll continue with my current job, at least as long as Sabine is there. So in the fall, I may be looking for yet another job. Though my current one is at least better than it used to be, now that that group of boys is no longer in my class.

I think I'm going to go buy some dried cherries now, because that sounds ridiculously good. Yum yum yum. Hooray for baby-sitting getting me the money I need for food this month. Have faith and God will provide. It's worked so far, I've managed to keep having faith, and I've yet to go without anything I need. Sure, I've had to give up lots of things I've wanted over time, but never anything I actually needed. Which may be why I'm sleeping on the floor.

I kind of wish blogger had one of those current mood spaces, because mine would totally say happy/excited. I am so looking forward to board games in a week. Anyone want to play before then? I'm up for it, just call.

2009-04-03T20:56:00.000-07:00

Iowa has given me hope. Hope that someday Utah may catch up with the 21st century and change their laws. Should Utah do that, then I won't have to decide. This makes me ridiculously happy. I recently had a dream about what my life would have been like/would be like if Xavier and I got married. I'd be done with college, starting a career, and beginning to look at adopting kids (because he and I would obviously not be creating one) and possibly getting a nursery ready. I would be going to church on Sundays, but probably wouldn't be as active as I am now, and would almost certainly not be thinking about possibly being a priest someday. This is almost everything I want in life, or would have wanted, had I not gotten to where I am now. To make it slightly harder on me, he still says that if he knew I'd say yes, he'd propose. Though finding someone to marry us might be difficult because a Catholic priest would likely be opposed to my not being Catholic, and an Episcopal priest would likely be opposed to the whole both being gay thing. But it would definitely make both of our families happy.

Point: I am not currently considering with any seriousness saying yes.

But that's not where I am anymore. Had we not both left Lubbock, then yes, that's where I'd probably be. But we did. I changed, and have decided that there are some things I am unwilling to give up in my current life, even for everything I used to think I wanted. At least I discovered this before saying yes.

And in great excitement: Holy Week is soon to be upon us. Hooray!! I'm excited for the end of Lent. Though I fully plan to keep on with my lenten discipline, of keeping up with my prayers, and the people on my prayer list.

2009-04-01T19:13:00.001-07:00

So while this weekend was definitely not the greatest of my life, it was in the top three. National Gathering, and last year's Prov VIII gathering take the top two places. But this weekend went much much better than I had thought it would in every way possible.

Socially, I made lots of new friends, and hung out with lots of amazing people, and went out drinking for the first time. Though to be fair, before someone calls me on it, I only drank about half of a vodka and cranberry before getting water. I also got to catch up with lots of old friends that I haven't seen in a while. Some since Gather, and some since last year. It was great to see them all again.

Spiritually, while this weekend didn't affect me at all in the way that last year's absolutely amazing Saturday evening service did (with major props to Canon Robin) for my soul, it did help me realize a number of things. One is that I am a lot more high church oriented than I thought I was. [Interjection: Power points and projectors are NOT, I repeat NOT, in my liturgical tradition] And I believe on the matter of "alternative liturgies" my friend Eric put it as I would have, had he not done it first:
"Rejecting the BCP, using barfy crayon-colored stoles and/or not vesting properly sends a message to young adults: "You are not the Church. You need special liturgies, and special vestments. You are outside the realm of Common Prayer. Go sit at the children's Table." And people wonder why we don't have more young adults?"

And for those people who have been somewhat keeping up with my side of how I feel about Caroline, I have much to say, but to keep it brief, she doesn't feel the same about me (which I kind of knew) and that I am not only okay with it, I actually am rather happy about it. And also, that after spending as much time with her as I did this weekend, I'm not so sure I actually feel that way about her anymore anyways. Spending time with her I got to know her better, and while as a result I am still convinced she is an amazing person, and someone I definitely want as a friend, I don't think she's what I'm looking for in a relationship. (fact that I'm actively staying single notwithstanding)

But how I felt about her definitely brought me back to reality in a sense, and that won't be forgotten, even with how I currently feel about her, and what I'm doing with my life, and what I have planned for my future. If only my future allowed for everything I want, not just those things I'm fairly certain I can't live without, while having to give up things I would rather not have to live without. Sometimes I get really really fed up with having to choose, and make these decisions. It will be interesting to see where this one leads me.

And while I'm tempted to say I feel as if I should seek advice from a priest, I already talked to one (not Robin) and she in what I have come to decide is just how priests are, just wished me good luck and prayers with my future.

2009-03-25T21:42:00.001-07:00

Oh dear! is really all there is to say right now.

Sure, it's where I'm headed, and I'll get there, but I'd like to do it in my own time, thank you.

I haven't done a numbers post in a while, but I'm almost tempted to do a letter post instead this time. So maybe in awhile, after I've gotten back from Arizona, and written about how that will have inevitably changed my life...again...I will do the letters post.

As it is, at the moment, I really really really hate the snow. Especially the blizzard currently in Denver.

And oh yeah, while this may have sounded kind of depressing, I don't think I've been this happy in quite a while.

2009-03-18T20:04:00.000-07:00

I think I'm going to take Gender and Sexuality in International Literature this summer. It's only like six weeks long, but it is six hours a week, and rather intensive based on both its short length and its high level. It's a 5000 level class, and is cross listed in the English department. But I can do it. Yes I can. And I really need this class to graduate. I really really do.
Now I just have to save up the money for it. Oh, and it also doesn't conflict with any of my current summer plans. Doubly yay.

2009-03-02T21:17:00.000-08:00

Here we are again, because the end is the beginning of the next step to take in life. But I'm so done with death and dying. And isn't that the truth. Between cancer and AIDS I've lost too many people already, I don't think I can lose anyone else. Also, I'm running out of people to lose. I have gone to at least one funeral a year since my godfather died in the fifth grade. I can only wonder who it will be this year. I wonder also how immoral/amoral of me it is to pray that if God is going to take yet another person from me, that I want it to be my sister, because I never want her to have to face the real world and realize that there are bad people in the world, and that there is injustice and oppression, even in her ever-beloved U.S. of A. Also, I'm not so sure I could handle losing Grandmother yet. Give me a few more years. Actually, she promised me she'd live to 103, and I fully plan to hold her to that. Of course, my grandfather promised me my high school graduation, and didn't make it that far. Though I suppose as it is the only promise he ever broke, I can't complain too much. He said he would take care of grandmother forever, and from what I can see, he didn't let a little thing like his death get in the way of that. He still wakes her up in the middle of the night if she forgets to lock the door, or leaves the stove on.

2009-02-25T21:18:00.000-08:00

Ash Wednesday today. Three years since my great-aunt died. Not as sad an occasion as my grandfather's for sure, but I do kind of wish that she and I had been a little closer, and not at such discord when she left. Interesting I think, that in my mind, she left, but he went home to God. Telling of my relationship with the two of them I think, but accurate also, to my thoughts.

And on a completely different note, I want to make toe-up worsted-weight DNA knee socks.I'll have to pick a color that matches one of my "spinny skirts" though. Hmmm, off to see what kind of wool I can come up with for this project.

2009-02-15T22:27:00.000-08:00

Not that anyone reads this anymore, but maybe that is just as well.

Today in confirmation class we talked about sin and redemption and such. Are you a sinner? Interesting question to ask me, and one I'm still not sure of the answer to, even by my definition of sin. Maybe particularly by my definition of sin. Sinning is an action that hurts other people and/or God. Well, if what I do because of who I am hurts other people, does that not make me a sinner?

But, I fell for someone, and I fell hard, and I haven't told her yet, for various reasons. If it weren't for her, I would be, I think, perfectly happy living my life the way I had been, and continuing in my prior plans. But now I realize, while I'm perfectly happy now, how much happier I would be if I had someone to share my life with.

But, where is the trade off? Between what I want, who I am, and whatever is in store for my future, that may not be what I think I want, there has to be something to give up.

But, maybe if politics progress as they are, particulary now that we have a new president, I could have both. This of course, is where my prayers and my hope are, and I'm working to get my faith there too.

2008-07-31T22:16:00.000-07:00

There was going to be an entry here about the amazing person my (grand)father was, but I don't feel like it wants to be written. Maybe because I don't need the catharsis, maybe because a lot of people did a lot for me without even realizing it today, or realizing how hard this day was for me, but probably because there is no way I could every accurately tell how amazing and awesome he was, and how he is the most amazing man I've ever known, and there isn't even a close second. He and I have far more in common than I think either of us realized when he was alive, and no one but my grandmother realizes now. That's just as well.

And also, I went to the Eucharist today at church. It's interesting how today (and other days that are similar) it both undoes me, and makes me feel better, at the same time. And coffee with all the old(er) ladies afterwards was fun. I'm beginning to wish I weren't getting a full-time job, because I won't be able to go to the daily services, just the weekends.

2008-07-27T18:34:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been quite a while since I updated, like, a whole week. It's been slightly hectic, and not as productive as I would have like for it to be. Hopefully this week will be better. Well, it has to be more productive, considering I have to be out of my apartment by 2pm on Saturday. And this promises to be a fairly hard week emotionally, especially Thursday. Thursday is the fourth anniversary of my grandfather's death, and that will probably warrant its own entry. I can't week for this week to be over.

2008-07-20T18:53:00.000-07:00

I got a really good night of sleep last night, even though I didn't get that much of it. This weekend I helped with the youth group lock-in, and I spent the night on the couch in the youth room. The couch was more comfortable than my bed at my apartment, and it got me to wondering. Wondering because every bed I've ever slept on at church, church camp, or the like (even the floor at prov was not bad, and seriously, not more uncomfortable than my bed) has always given me a great night's sleep. So it made me wonder whether it's the bed or the environment that's giving me such a good night's sleep. Especially because I rarely get a full night's length of sleep at any of these places. Maybe it's sleeping in/near God's house that lets me rest, and lets me get caught up, and just gives me a sense of peace when I wake up. Next time I get way too stressed out, and it's starting to make me sick, I'm finding a reason to sleep at church. Or maybe I should just go be a nun...

2008-07-14T07:53:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder how far I'm drifting from my family. I was already so different from them, but now I wonder if that difference is creating a divide, or if it's distance that's creating this divide. Maybe if I was more concerned about being like everyone else, a little more materialistic, more about superficial concerns like homecoming court or class favorite. But of course this divide is in large part my creation.

Maybe if they (especially my aunt and uncle) hadn't spent so much of my life judging me for the small things, like my refusal to wear make-up, my offbeat sense of fashion, and my preference for reading over football.

Well, you know what, I'm happy with the beauty God gave me. Notice that I also still have slightly crooked teeth. I wear what I feel comfortable wearing and to hell if someone has a problem with it. Wearing long sleeves (loose, flowy, long sleeves) in the summer does not mean I'm on drugs. It means that I don't want to get sunburned any more than I already am. And I'm [not] sorry, but football is not my sport. Reading instead of watching the superbowl does not make me anti-social. It makes me an avid reader instead of a football fan.

But with that much judgement over what I consider to be relatively small things, what am I supposed to do but distance myself, and create a divide because there are other, bigger parts of my life to judge, that actually have a little more basis for judgement. They say I should trust them more, however, I don't think they've done a thing to deserve my trust. You want me to trust you with details of my life? You don't go around judging everything about it. That's a really good way to make sure I never tell you anything, and look, it's worked.

That being said, I miss my grandmother, and I want to be able to tell her everything, but I'm not sure how it would go over. I do know though, that I definitely want to tell her in person, and not over the phone. I have a three week break from school coming up, I'm seriously considering asking if I can come out to talk to her, or if she really wants to wait until Christmas to see me. Of course, Christmas dinner could be a really fun way to tell her. Not. But she also has to get my sister ready for college, and the last thing I want to do is add more stress to her life right now.

2008-07-12T12:39:00.000-07:00

And now I'm single again...on the plus side, I'll have more time, but on the down side, it's making me wonder if I'm willing to go back to who I used to be in a small way. No way I would ever go back to quite who I was, even if I wanted to, I'm not sure I could, but, well, it did have its advantages in certain areas.

This is the longest it's been since I've been to a church service in a fair amount of time. I'm not really sure how I feel about that, because on the one hand I've been really busy with other things, and it's not like I've missed a Sunday service, but on the other hand, I miss going to church in the middle of the week. And next week is going to be at least as busy as this week during the times that count. Thank goodness for church tomorrow.

2008-07-08T18:41:00.000-07:00

This was a great weekend. A lot of work, and I was completely exhausted by Monday (especially considering the "sleepover" on Sunday night) but I would so do it all again. I also love Benadryl cream. It's amazing, provided you put it on while the rash is still new enough. I had forgotten how painting with latex paint doesn't mix well with a bad allergy to latex. But it wasn't too bad after the cream. And I think I have discovered a new hobby to watch, since I would never set out to do it myself. Writing in the street with lighter fluid, and then setting it on fire. It looks so cool, but being slightly pyrophobic (I'm way way better than I used to be) I would never actually do it myself. I will however cheer from the sidelines. The migraine on Monday was not so fun, but I managed to sleep it down to a headache before it got worse (it was bad enough I went home from work two and a half hours early, which if you know me and work, is a big deal) and now it's gone, and I'm caught up on sleep.

2008-07-03T19:14:00.001-07:00

Maybe it's not all about the sun. I mean I love the sun and everything, but the storms are important too. Yes, the storms always lose to the sun. But because they hide the sun, they make us realize the importance and beauty of the sun. Storms also bring rainbows, and the refreshing air afterwards. Without the contrast of the storm, we wouldn't appreciate the sun near as much.

By the way, it still kinda get me every time I realize I'm two decades old.

2008-07-01T10:18:00.000-07:00

I forgot how much times relationships take. And how sleep-deprived you get. And how much time you spend on the phone/texting.

But that in no way means that they are bad. I mean sure there are bad relationships, but relationships themselves aren't bad. Especially when you really do like the person you're in it with, and they like you back equally, and you're neither one wanting it to go at a different pace.

So yes, I'm in a relationship, and yes, I'm enjoying it. Tired as I may be.

2008-06-26T12:26:00.000-07:00

Things I miss about Texas:

Rosa's. It's a restaurant that has cheap mexican (texmex) food, that is in my opinion better than most expensive mexican (not texmex) elsewhere in life, including mexico.

Southern Manners. I know, to dislike so much about the south, that I do miss.

Taco Villa. Kinda like Rosa's.

Being able to see for ever and ever. The horizon I mean. I miss that feeling. The mountains occasionally make me claustrophobic.

Sunsets. They are so pretty because of all the dust in the air.

Texas snow drifts. The giant modules of cotton that are left in the field to be taken to the gin after harvesting.

Not having to explain what Rotel is. Green chiles and tomato, really good with melted velveeta to make queso.

My friends, and the memories we made. Staying up till sunrise, talking at Rush, Clapp, and Higginbotham.

Tight-knit communties, where everyone knows everyone else's history, whether you want them to or not. Saves a lot of explaining if you have a family like mine.

Things I don't miss about Texas:
The racism. Not that Utah's really any better.
The sexism. Not that Utah's much better.
The dominant religion. Utah has a different religion, but the same ideas.
Everybody knowing everything. Salt Lake is too big for this, score 1 Utah.

Utah, or Salt Lake City at least, because I would never live anywhere else in Utah, is better overall though.

Now if only I could get me some good Tex-mex here, I'd be really happy.

2008-06-24T19:38:00.000-07:00

Gender studies has taught me lots of things. One of the things I realized is how lucky I am to have grown up Episcopalian. Especially given who I've grown up to be. It still gets me everytime I realize I'm not a teenager anymore. No more wild teen years...not that I was really that wild as a teenager, but you know, there went my opportunity. Sometimes though, I wonder what all I missed out on back then, because of who I was and what I was dealing with and avoiding dealing with, and how I felt towards God. I was angry and pissed off at God for who I was, and then about the time I finally got over that, I got angry and pissed off at God for taking one of the most important people in my life. And now of course, I'm not angry at God for that anymore. Oh, I still wish it hadn't happened, but who am I to say it shouldn't have. And how did I keep my faith in God through all of that? Someone that I respect very much told me that you couldn't be angry at something you didn't believe in. She was right, of course. So somehow, through all of that, I still went to church almost every Sunday. Sure, I did spend most of that time in the nursery taking care of the babies, but I was there. And there were some Sundays no babies showed up, so I went to the service. And I did go to the Wednesday night service every week. And I made it through to where I am now. And yes, some days I still get a little upset at God, but it's okay because it doesn't change anything, and most days I love God. Well, I suppose all days I love God. Loving God doesn't mean I can't occasionally be upset at him(?).

2008-06-19T22:54:00.000-07:00

I feel like that last entry was depressing...so now I'm going to write about something I love and enjoy that usually makes me very happy, though usually also very exhausted. What is this you ask? It is work. I love my job. I love playing with the kids, watching the babies learn new skills, and the greeting you get everytime you walk in the door. I think I'll take this time to tell about some of my kids.

Carter is the baby of the group. He's barely six months old, and isn't even old enough to sit up by himself yet. He's usually very happy and content, but right now he's teething, so that makes him a bit crankier, but still more easygoing than some babies I know.
Like Rachel. Rachel is the next youngest. She's nine months old, very fussy but still adorable, and requires lots of attention. She's also very active, and is always moving. She doesn't crawl yet, but she's pretty good at rolling around to get to wherever she wants to go.
Sophia is barely older than Rachel and is crawling, and almost pulling herself up to standing. She's also very easygoing, and she was the first baby that started after me. She'll fight going to sleep, unless you let her get really really tired first.
Next is Ella. Ella is just over a year old, and she's my favorite. I know I shouldn't play favorites, but she is very attached to me, and will get upset when I pay attention to other people. She's also a little wary of the other kids, and will start crying if they get too close and no one is holding her. At snack and lunch we try to make sure there's a chair between her and anyone else so her bubble isn't invaded. She's an expert crawler, loves to cuddle with me, and will probably start walking pretty soon.
Yann was born on New Year's Eve, and is half French. He doesn't talk much, but he has a full range of facial expressions which pretty much say everything for him. He's very cute of course, and he was the youngest kid when I started. I have watched him go from not being able to crawl, to now running with Luz when their parents pick them up around the same time. He also loves to climb on the playground outside, but I'm not supposed to let him because it's more than three feet tall.
Isaac is next oldest. He is a month older than Yann, and full of energy. His energy is also very loud, and very catching to the other children. Some days we just take them outside and let them run so we don't go crazy. He also loves animals, trucks, and sound effects.
Then is Ada. Ada is less than a month younger than Luz. She's also full of energy, and she can be very very stubborn when she wants to be. I'm definitely not her favorite, but she's gotten better about it.
Luz is last, but not least. She's the oldest of the bunch, 22 months old. She's gotten more stubborn about naps, but she's also been very fun to watch grow up. She speaks Spanish and English, and also will just babble without actually saying anything in either language. She and Yann are the only two still in my class from when I started. She loves to play with the baby dolls, read stories, and sing songs.

Who wouldn't love a job that involved playing with these eight wonderful children all day. I know I do. I could really see myself doing this job for the rest of my life. It always makes me smile. Everytime you walk into the room everyone always says hi, and a couple of them will run up to give you hugs. And most of them will say bye bye when you leave.

2008-06-18T19:21:00.000-07:00

I feel like quitting school. Seriously, I can't even remember what I'm doing here anymore. All it does is make me miserable and hate life. I love my job, and I love church, and that's what's making life okay right now. But it shouldn't be this way. I should be living for the sake of life, not to make other people happy. And at this point in my life, going to school does nothing positive for me. But how else am I going to accomplish my dreams? Well, to be honest, my biggest goal in life for a long time was to get out of Texas forever. Well, I've done that. Now what? I want to help people, I want to give someone the hope and love and joy that so many people in my life have given me. I don't think that really requires a college degree. And it certainly doesn't need the attitude getting my college degree is giving me.

2008-06-14T18:09:00.000-07:00

So I went to the Farmer's Market today. Overall I was mildly disappointed, and thought it was way too crowded, but the second could have led to the first. Reasons I liked it: Local farms/businesses (like bakeries), a fair number of craft booths. Reasons I didn't like it: too many commercial vendors, too many of the craft booths were jewelery, way too crowded, not much produce (lots of house plants instead). I think the weather today was also a little warmer than I would like it (all the way into the upper 80s).

2008-06-12T13:58:00.001-07:00

My sweet, darling, lovely, precious children at work got me sick. How sick? 103 fever and way congested. This is so not fun. This is so not the way I intended today to go. Good thing my fever's not one degree higher, or I would have gone to the doctor. I would go anyways, but since my kids got me sick, they've all been to the doctor, and since there's nothing the doctor could do for them, there's not really anything the doctor can do for me either. Being sick sucks.

2008-06-10T18:50:00.000-07:00

Maybe I'm church crazy. I went to evening prayer tonight at St. Paul's, and I realized that it was the fourth church service I've been to in four days. The interfaith pride service was Saturday, regular church on Sunday morning (and you could hear the pride parade during the service), I went to the noon service yesterday, and tomorrow I plan to go to centering prayer. On Thursday I think Marielle and I will go to evening prayer again, and then Friday there's no service that I can go to. Stupid job. Actually, no, I love my job.

And can I just take this opportunity to complain about my writing 2010 class. The other students that talk in class (like for discussions I mean) besides Laura, my gender studies buddy, are some sexist, rascist, homophobic Utah Mormon boys. It wouldn't be so bad if they didn't go on and on and on about it during class. Oh well...only seven more weeks. Though I'm out of unexcused absences I'll probably still skip on occasion just to keep my sanity.

oh, quote from class today, when the boys started going on about the whole hate the sin, love the sinner, and the whole celibacy thing:
"I'm Episcopalian, we don't have to love the sinner and hate the sin, because it's not a sin. We just love."
"Love what?"
"People. All people. Well, except maybe the intolerant ones. But that doesn't mean God doesn't love you. It just means I don't."

Oh oh, I'm currently working on crocheting a top that will probably look like a rainbow threw up on it or something. It should be really cool though, and I'll post pictures when I'm done so y'all can laugh at it (or me).

2008-06-09T23:31:00.001-07:00

Sunday Night
This weekend wore me out. I'm now utterly exhausted, which I suppose to be expected after a weekend like this. Among lots of other things I did this weekend, I baby-sat last night for four kids who were wild terrors, but that I'm sure are usually pretty good kids. It was totally worth it though, for how much their family paid me. And of course I went to church this morning where Canon Robin gave yet another amazing sermon. I almost wish I could get the schedule of when she's preaching and plan my vacations around that. Her's and Canon Diana's are always really good. Church always makes me really happy, or well, maybe not happy, but makes me feel better about life, the universe and everything....

Monday Night
I was apparently so worn out from the weekend that I slept through my alarm, which goes off every nine minutes for an hour (well, fine, 54 minutes) unless I specifically turn it off. I know that I hit snooze once, because I have to open my phone to turn off the alarm and I didn't do that. At any rate I slept through all of my first class, and enough of my second that I decided it wasn't really worth it to go. I also woke up feeling as if I should go to a church service. So I did. It was a good service, and apparently today was St. Columba day. He was the guy that introduced most of Britain and Ireland to Christianity. It's also amazing how much less time Rite 2 takes if you leave out the Gloria, one lesson, the Nicene Creed, and the Eucharistic Prayer (but not the Eucharist), and don't sing any hymns. I also have plans to go to evening prayer tomorrow at my friend's Episcopal church, so it will be a church filled week, which really, can't be a bad thing. It makes me miss private school, and having chapel every morning.